The Day I Couldn’t Jump
Save yourself from regrets and take that leap of faith
As the title indicates, this write-up is about a sudden realization that I had at a moment — I thought, ‘I cannot jump and nothing on earth could convince me to do so!’ While I was taken aback by the incident which transpired this thought, it did teach me a deep lesson that I feel is worth sharing.
When I was a little girl I used to love swimming. Even though I was always a little apprehensive of the incongruence between the water level and my height, I still loved to splash around in the pool. Most of the memories from my swimming classes are pleasant, apart from a few instances when I almost drowned my sister while trying to shoo away imaginary snakes in the pool! In retrospect, these moments were hilarious. However, my sister is still not convinced that I wasn’t plotting her murder secretly!
The incident which I consider the starting point of this story, occurred over a weekend trip that I took with my parents and some family friends. We went to a lovely farmhouse sitting amidst acres of greenery. To me, the highlight of this place was a pretty pond. I must admit to being rather interested in it.
So, that morning, while other kids ran around, the women were chatting and the men were busy discussing the itinerary for the day, I decided to be brave and go for a swim in the pond by myself. To begin with, the water was soothing, the breeze was mild, and I could hear the rustling of the trees around. I didn’t know that things would quickly go south.
I was relieved that there weren’t any snakes (or at least I didn’t come across one). However, the pond had a lot of weeds, which I didn’t have any idea about, because the only swimming I had done, was in an artificial pool. I had just started to step into the pond, when my feet touched the weeds and my mind instantly triggered ‘snakes’!
All I remember was that, the more I struggled, the more the weeds got entangled around my feet. I was pale, cold and unconscious when my father’s friend pulled me out of the pond. He jumped in when he heard the thrashing about in the water and noticed my fingers poking out of the water’s surface. I thank my lucky stars that he did!
Points to be noted, the meaning that I attached to this incident was that:
- Swimming is unsafe.
- I can’t swim.
- It is better to stay away from pools or ponds for my own safety.
However, I could never acknowledge the fact that someone jumped in to save me. Many would say that it’s entirely normal for a child to derive this meaning from an incident that was so traumatic. I agree to that view, but during my growing years I allowed this meaning to get firmly entrenched in my psyche. I never questioned it.
Cut to early 2019. I am an adult, blissfully married and quite an action-oriented person. Even though I remembered the childhood incident, it had become quite a faint memory. I had almost forgotten the extent or the impact of the trauma. So there we were, planning an exciting 12 days-trip to Australia, which would start from Cairns. We were all pepped up to hop on a cruise and explore the incredible Great Barrier Reef. The best part was that this cruise offered snorkeling and deep sea-diving experiences with expert instructors. We were in very safe hands. The most-awaited morning came and we set sail in a white cruise. It was a perfectly clear winter morning and the sky matched the blueness of the water in a unique way; the breeze was chilled yet comforting since the sun was blazing. The instructors were very professional and enthusiastically trained us on different aspects of snorkeling.
Soon we were about to arrive at the spot where the first round of snorkeling would happen. So, we got dressed, and put our water goggles and life vests on. We were provided with all sorts of protective gear and were ready to rock and roll.
Thereafter, the boat stopped and I sat down on the edge of the boat, ready to slide into the water. An inflatable water tube was placed in front of me for safety, while my husband gently pulled my hands, encouraging me to join him. He told me how the corals and the turtles were waiting for me under water. The handsome instructors assured me that I will be safe in their arms (no exaggeration here!).
But as my feet touched the water, my mind flashed a throwback picture, which took me straight back to my childhood trauma and I just froze. Absolutely nothing could deter me from that state of frozenness … I just could not jump! I could not let go. Even though what had happened 25 years ago had nothing to do with my present situation, it all zeroed down to a leap of faith that my brain said that I should take, but sigh, my mind said that I could ‘die’!
Really, I listened to that baloney and accepted it.
My regret is that I never dared question myself with a ‘why’ and ‘how’ — why and how would I die with so much of protection around me? Why couldn’t I just trust myself to be rational?
Honestly, I will always repent the fact that I didn’t give myself a chance that day. I will regret not being curious about the unknown, not trusting my inner power and not questioning my self-doubt and fear, allowing them to take control.
So, the moral of the story is that, in life we do not get imprinted on by events or incidents, we actually get impacted by the meaning that we attach to those events. We unknowingly exert a lot of energy in clinging onto these meanings for the longest possible time.
In my story, someone did save me when I was a child, which should have been acknowledged and the key highlight that I ought to have focused on. On the diving trip too, there was literally an army of instructors as well as my dear husband to ensure my safety, so what kept me from ‘trusting’?
The answer would be a ‘faulty meaning’ which I chose to hold so close that everything else got out of focus. Questioning yourself is the most powerful self-therapy that one could practice to understand the difference between a fact or a belief.
Coincidentally, both facts and beliefs share the same neuro-pathway to settle down in the mind which gives rise to illusions. I learned from my mistake and I hope my story inspires you in some way to let go of your fears and take the leap of faith.
P.S. — I started taking swimming lessons since mid-2019 🙂
Originally published at https://dazzleinside.com on November 24, 2020.
